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Author
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Comment
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cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(2/7/05 10:01 pm)
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My script opening?
Hi,
I'm writing a Snow White script and I need your help. I want your honest opinions about what to add, delete, change, whatever. Any ideas, I'm open to them. here's the opening of the script. Keep in mind that it's musical, so there's a song or two I think. Enjoy!
"Golden Movie Tales: Snow White"
Written By Chris Moore
Based On the Classic Fairy Tale by The Brothers Grimm
FADE IN:
DARKNESS
A mirror enters the frame. Fire burns on it.
Narrator
Years ago, the devil made a giant mirror. His greedy demons accidentally split it into 20 pieces. The pieces flew up from hell into the earth. Those who were lucky enough to find a piece were possessed by the glass’s magic. Today, pieces remain scattered around the world, possessing their owners with their dark magic. The glass always speaks the truth. Only 10 remain in existence. Watching……waiting to cast their spell on other unsuspecting people.
CUT TO: INT. CASTLE. DAY.
Esmerelda looks at herself in her mirror. She walks out. Esmerelda sits at the window and sews. Her ladies in waiting begin to sing as they sew too.
ESMERELDA:
When the winter winds start blowing,
All the ladies stop & sew
WOMAN 1:
They need clothes in which to bundle up
To keep them from the snow
(WOMEN'S VOICES)
Let it sno.....ow...ow
Let it snow
WOMAN 2:
Out of the clouds…….
WOMAN 3:
Swirl through the breeze…
WOMAN 1:
Cover the treetops…..
ESMERELDA:
Don’t catch a sneeze…..
ALL:
Whether it’s day or night….
Cover the world with white!
Let it snow! Let it Snow! Let it snow!
WOMAN 1:
Let it pile up to the door!
ALL:
We’ll sit beside the window and watch it snow some more!
ESMERELDA:
In the mornings when my ladies sit & sew
It makes me dream I had a child with skin as white as snow
White as snow...
(WOMEN'S VOICES)
As white as snow!
ESMERELDA:
I'll cuddle her in my arms
And teach her to dance & sing
We'll make a snowman in the snow
Who looks just like the King
(WOMEN'S VOICES)
Let it snow (Let it snow...)
Let it snow (Let it snow...)
Esmerelda accidentally pricks her finger with the sewing needle. 3 drops of blood fall on the snow.
Esmerelda
How I wish I could have a child, with hair as black as ebony, lips as red as blood, and skin as white as snow.
(WOMEN'S VOICES)
Let it snow...
Let it snow...
Let it sno...ow.....
LET IT SNOW!
The camera goes out of the window to see Esmerelda gazing out the window in a trance.
FADE TO BLACK
FADE IN:
OPENING CREDITS begin. Snowflakes fall over a blue canvas. The words Snow White fade onto the background.
CUT TO:
EXT. CASTLE BALCONY. DAY.
A herald stands with a scroll. He begins to read from it.
Herald
Here gee, here gee one and all! A beautiful child has been born to their royal majesties, the king and queen.
A crowd applauses as the king enters with the child in his hands.
CUT TO: EXT. KINGDOM. DAY.
We cut to several phases of the season. There is snow melting, suns shining, birds chirping.
CUT TO: INT. QUEEN'S BED CHAMBER. DAY.
Esmerelda lies under her bed sheets in the dimly lit room. She appears to be sick. Her servant, Lesile, walks in.
Esmerelda
Lesile?
Lesile
Rest, my queen.
Esmerelda
She is a beautiful child.
Lesile
The most beautiful one. The people love her already.
Esmerelda
Please. Bring her to me.
Lesile carries the baby into the queen's out stretched arms.
Esmerelda
Blackest hair, reddest lips , skin as white as.......snow. Call her Snow White.
CUT TO:
INT. CASTLE (SNOW WHITE'S BED CHAMBER). NIGHT.
Snow White, now age 6 lies on her bed. She is getting ready for bed. She gets up and begins to sing as she puts her toys away.
SNOW WHITE:
Just before it’s
Time for bed,
Just before I rest my head that’s
When I climb right up
To my favorite chair
Where you are waiting for me
And I sit right on my daddy’s knee
Do you think that
We could dance?
KING:
Yes
I think that
There’s
A
Chance
SNOW WHITE:
Take my hand and hop
Up, up with me!
KING:
Now it‘s bedtime.
SNOW WHITE:
I see!
But just before I go I’d
Like
To
Be…..
Hop, hop, hop, hop, hopin’ on my daddy.
Hop, hop, hop, hop, hopin’ on my daddy.
Hop, hop, hop, hop, hopin’ on my daddy’s knee!
They stop singing. The king tucks her into bed.
Snow White
Daddy, what will I get for my birthday?
King
Well, I need to see about that. Perhaps a purple velvet gown. Perhaps that white horse you wanted. Whatever you wish. I can’t believe your seven years old!
Snow White grins even more.
Snow White
My birthday is on Saturday, right?
King
Yes! And Prince Maxamillion is coming from Bavaria to see you.
Snow White
Oh that’s wonderful! Is he handsome?
King
Of course! But he’s a little old for you at the moment. Maybe in a couple of years….
Snow White
I’ve never met a real prince before. What are they like?
King
Well, the good ones are polite and kind. I was once a prince myself!
Snow White
Well then they must be the most wonderful men in the entire world!
King
You might possibly say that!
Snow White
Good night, daddy.
King
Good night, princess.
The king blows out the candle. The room becomes dark and Snow White begins to drift into a deep sleep.
CUT TO: INT. QUEEN’S CHAMBER. NIGHT.
Esmerelda puts on her make up at a beautiful mirror.
Suddenly light pours in. It laminates her face. She is clothed in a fur coat. She opens her mouth to sing:
ESMERELDA:
The French are glad to die..........for love!
They delight in finding jewels!
But I prefer a man who lives,
and gives expensive.................
JEWELS!
Esmerelda is lit up with excitment as she parades around. Fog rolls in as a strobe lights light up the room. The room is electric with light and shadow effects! It is a room of pure color, sparkle and color! She seems to enjoy herself. She sings agian:
ESMERELDA:
A kiss on the hand may be..........
quite continental
but diamonds are a girls best friend!
A kiss may be grand, but it!
won't pay the rental on your humble flat, or help you feed your
@#%$ cat!
Men grow cold as girls grow old
and we all loose our charms in the end!
But square cut or pear shaped, these rocks don't loose their shape
Diamonds are a girls best friend!
Esmerelda dances around with a couple of diamonds she picked up. She stops and starts to sing:
ESMERELDA:
Cause we are living in a material world,
and I am a material girl!
Esmerelda dances around agian, picking up more diamonds. She starts singing agian.
ESMERELDA:
Diamonds!!!!!!!!!
Diamonds!!!!!!!!!
Square, cut out, pear shaped.....
these rocks don't loose their shape.....
Diamonds are a girls......
best......
friend!
She sits up and continues to put on her make up.
CUT TO: INT. CASTLE HALL. DAY.
Snow White walks slowly in the hall. It is dark. The only light is the flickering candles. Snow White sits next to the Queen's Chamber entrance. Esmerelda opens the door. Snow White enters.
CUT TO:
INT. QUEEN’S CHAMBER. DAY.
Snow White sits in a chair. Esmerelda sits in front of her.
Snow White
Good morning, mother! How did you sleep?
Esmerelda
Heavenly! Simply heavenly. We need to discuss your birthday party.
Snow White
Oh, I don’t need anything fancy.
Esmerelda
But you are to be seven years old. Seven years old is a very important time for women, like us. They say that you are the prettiest you will ever be at age seven. I looked just like you when I was your age.
Esmerelda shows Snow White a portrait.
Snow White
I never knew.
Esmerelda
You will be a woman one day. You need guidance in the womanly arts.
Snow White
I must come back later. I have my lessons with Sir Frederick.
Esmerelda
I have a meeting of my own as well, but have you and your father set a date?
Snow White
I’m afraid not, but I was thinking about having the party when Prince Maxamillion is here.
Esmerelda
Seems sensible. Very well, run off! Enjoy your studies. Their important to you!
Snow White exits. Esmerelda admires herself in the mirror. She picks up a large crown queen on a pillow. She slowly puts it on.
Esmerelda
Mirror, mirror on the wall, turn around and show me all.
The edge of the mirror lights up and the mirror slowly begins to spin around, until there is a black and blank mirror. Light cries out of it. It pours and shines on Esmerelda. Esmerelda looks happy as she begins to speak.
Esmerelda
Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of us all?
Mirror/Queen’s Voice
I have viewed the world and seen, though art fairest of all, dear queen.
Esmerelda silences it and makes a smile. She begins to walk toward the door.
CUT TO:
INT. QUEEN’S CHAMBER. DAY.
Esmerelda wakes up. She opens her eyes and yawns. Light pours into the room. She puts her hands over her face.
Esmerelda
Lesile! Stop! I just woke up!
Lesile
Sorry, your majesty.
Lesile hands Esmerelda her breakfast and begins to exit.
Esmerelda
Aren’t you forgetting something?
Lesile
It’s only Tuesday, you told me…….
Esmerelda
That’s okay! I think I need you to say it every morning.
Lesile
O.K. Why your majesty, you’re looking younger every day!
Esmerelda
Thank you, Lesile! You know I find it very hard to believe that her woke up early and made his own side of the bed.
Lesile
He didn’t mam.
Esmerelda
Then where did he sleep?
Lesile points upward.
Esmerelda Again?
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janeyolen
Registered User
(2/8/05 3:52 am)
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Re: My script opening?
The opening, where the mirror is split into pieces, is right out of the opening to Hans Christian Andersen's SNOW QUEEN. Do you want that as resonance, or did you not know it?
JaneY
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cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(2/8/05 2:56 pm)
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Snow Queen
I was aware of that. I don't know if it's a good idea to explore the mirror's origins. I might take that out.
I want it to be dark like the original story, but it's really hard, believe it or not. I want the queen Esmerelda to be a seductive Catherine Denuve blonde type queen. Snow White , in my mind is the prettiest child alive. Everything about her is pretty.
I need all the help I can get. Any backstory, character traits, scary scenes, musical numbers, costumes, sets, lighting. Anything. I'm open to all opinions.
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gigi
Unregistered User
(2/9/05 3:10 pm)
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Question
Your script cuts out so suddenly ...I read into it as the father is sleeping in the child's room?
I am I reading into correctly cause it seems sort of creepy to me...
On a brighter note I like your first song.
:D gigi
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cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(2/9/05 3:25 pm)
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Sleeping?
No! I was going to write a part where SW goes to sleep, but hears the king and queen talking about how the king gives her too much attention. That would be creepy. There's nothing like that, that I will even hint at. I know a couple of cersions have, most notably Snow White: A Tale Of Terror, where the father seems to think things of his daughter who is dressed in her mother's clothes.
I wouldlike this to be realistic, but it really is hard to make a tale like this realistic, without changing too much.
thanks about the song.
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gigi
Unregistered User
(2/9/05 5:52 pm)
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reply
ok just checking ... I didn't want to think that either. :D
You're very welcome about the cute song. The other song about diamonds won't work beacuse it has been done before. have you ever seen Moulin rouge? IN the Nicole Kidman version of it she does a terrible rendition of "Diamonds are a girls best friend.." and It was a remix. too.
So if you want to show the materialistic side of your queen maybe it shouldn't include diamonds. Maybe it should be like In the Movie Gigi with Leslie Caron where the aunt is teaching her how to identitfy the Gifts a lover would give you.
Maybe it should include her going around the house and pointing out vases and furniture and dresses. If you go with that idea make the dreses with tiny waists and outdated fashions to your time setting in the peice. That shows how much she's changed and she doesn't notice becasue she is too narcissictic.
gigi :D
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aka Greensleeves
Registered User
(2/10/05 4:10 pm)
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Re: My script opening?
I'm going to recommend Syd Field's scriptwriting books to you. They're great for structure, pacing, and formatting.
Your narration at the beginning can be trimmed. Is it important that there were 20 pieces, but now there are only 10? If not, just tell us there are 10. Cut the sentence, "Those who were lucky enough to find a piece...." The following sentence says exactly the same thing.
An ellipse has three dots: ... Four if it's the end of a sentence (that's one ellipse and one period).
Snow White's dialogue reads a lot older than a 7-year-old ("Oh, I'm afraid not," and the like).
Is there a reason you've spelled the prince's name Maxamillion? Is it a pun? It's not going to come across in film--the audience will hear it as "Maximilian."
All in all, very intriguing. Best of luck with it.
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cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(2/10/05 5:18 pm)
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Music and dialouge
Yes. I have infact seen Moulon Rouge. Nicole Kidman's version wasn't too bad, but nothing like the Marilyn Monroe and Carol Channing versions of the past. Gigi is a very good film, but I haven't seen it since I was 5, so that was quite some time ago. I have taken a lot of songs from other films. I know that there is the song "One Day I'll Fly Away", which was also in Moulon Rouge. Your idea about the song where the queen shows outdated fashions is very funny. I would enjoy that very much. Thank you.
And Greensleeves, thanks for the script advice. A lot of the script is going to be changed and cut anyway. I hope it doesn't sound too goody goody or to childish. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
BTW, how does a seven year old princess speak? I dont know too much about that.
Here's the next part of my script. The prince's name has been changed to Christopher, because Maxamillion was a little cheesy. Maxamillion was the name they gave the prince in the 70's cartoon of Snow White from Rankin/Bass.
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM. NIGHT.
Prince Christopher enters. Esmerelda sits on her throne.
Christopher
Your majesty.
Esmerelda
Prince Christopher of Bavaria. We are please to have you in our company. I’m sorry my husband can not be here. He’s left yesterday to find some rare breed of animal in the woods.
Christopher
It’s quite alright.
Esmerelda
Let me introduce you to my daughter.
Christopher
If you’ll pardon me, I have had a long journey and I would very much like to rest before supper.
Esmerelda
Very well. Ask one of the servants to show you to your room.
Christopher
Thank you, my lady.
Esmerelda
Oh, it is my great honor.
CUT TO:
INT. SNOW WHITE’S CHAMBER. NIGHT.
Snow White gazes out a window as Fredrick brushes her hair.
Snow White
Do I have to go?
Fredrick
Of course. You will look wonderful. It could turn out better, but with all the female servants working on your mother, I’ll just have to do my best.
Snow White
Don’t worry, Fredrick! Your best or anyone else’s best will never please my mother.
Fredrick
Well, I’m quite aware of that, your highness.
Snow White
I know, but she never lets me do anything on my own.
Fredrick
If you think this is horrible, wait until your birthday feast. She’ll kill us if we don’t get everything perfect.
Snow White
Fredrick?
Fredrick
Yes, princess?
Snow White
Was my mother always like this?
Fredrick
No! No, she wasn’t.
Snow White
What was she like?
Fredrick
Well, when I began working here, I was extremely young. They handpicked the servants from the village. Servants, hunters, cooks, everything.
Snow White
Did you have to perform a task, also?
Fredrick
Task?
Snow White
Yes! Hunter told me that everyone had to perform a task to see if they were good enough.
Fredrick
The young ones like me didn’t. If our parents were chosen, we went with them.
Snow White
The hunter told me that my mother made him kill his children.
Fredrick
I’d like to not believe it. I’m sure she didn’t mean to make that happen.
Snow White
Tell me more.
Fredrick
Well, all I remember is that I had never seen a happier couple than your father and mother. A handsome couple, as well. The queen always knew herself to be the fairest in the land.
Snow White
What about that mirror?
Fredrick
The mirror?
Snow White
The one she keeps in her room.
Fredrick
Well, don’t tell anyone else this, but one of the female servants found out where it came from. She told everyone about it. My mother told me it was from deep in the northern part of the country. The strange thing was that……
Snow White
What? What was so strange?
Fredrick
The servant, who told everyone, soon disappeared.
Snow White
Where did she go?
Fredrick
Nobody knows. Some say she fled the castle after a disagreement with the queen. But others say……
Snow White
What do they say?
Fredrick
There was some sort of black magic involved in her disappearance.
Snow White
Why do they say that?
Fredrick
Because the mirror came from a part of the country where there is said to be nothing, but demons and devils. All sorts of ungodly things live in that part of the country.
Snow White
I don’t believe you.
Fredrick
Fine! Don’t believe me. I’m not saying it’s true either.
Snow White
What was the servant’s name?
Fredrick
Sarah. She was nosy. Always getting in to other people’s things.
Snow White
I better go! Thank you, Fredrick. And if it's any consolation, you did a very good job.
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gigi
Unregistered User
(2/10/05 7:53 pm)
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Hi
Always happy to help you...
And Children Usually (generalization) talk in very short sentences, they have their subject -verb agreement differ than the normal usage and they usually repeat things alot, especially questions.
Maybe reading it out aloud in a high pitched child tone would help you hear the effect.
Going to a park and eavesdropping would also help you pick up on the way children talk. Or the grocery store.
Good luck! :D
gigi
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cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(2/11/05 2:16 pm)
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Thanks
Any more suggestions? Any subplots, conflicts, or anything like that?
I'm open to anything. With this fiom or any other fairy tale stories to adapt into films. I'm planning to do many of them.
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gigi
Unregistered User
(2/14/05 9:49 pm)
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The script about which i am confused
Hi again.
I was browsing all the replies I have given to the ppl on this board and I looked at my last reply here and found out I never asked.....Who is Frederick? Is that the King's name or is it a servant? (Why would a peasant servant being helping a little child? )
happy Script writing
gigi :lol
Ps Why would the Prince be so rude. cutting the Queen off in mid sentence. Yes I know she's suppose to be self absrbed but is the Prince supposed to be so un chivalrous? I mean doesn't the Princess end up with him?
You don't your audience hating the Prince in the opening scenes.
gigi
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cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(2/15/05 4:33 pm)
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Fredrick
He is a servant. He helps Esmerelda as well as Snow White. Esmerelda will do away with him in the next scenes. He learns too much after eavesdropping on Esmerelda.
I didn't mean to make the prince so rude. I just thought that he would be a little mote impatient since he traveled so long. Don't worry, he gets extremely likable once he meets Snow White. I've always found the princes to be the least explored characters. They come off as a little bit to random and convienient most times. They just show up for no apparent reason.
The film I'm afraid might be too dark for a PG or PG-13 rating. The atmosphere is too grim .Practically every character seems doomed from the start. I need some ideas to either make it more violent, sexy or bloody, since it seems the film will only be seen by children in a cut version.
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cailanmaclaren
Registered User
(3/1/05 2:14 am)
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Re: My script opening?
The last scene written here, with Esmerelda being woken by Lesile, from insisting she be complimented every morning, to the exchange regarding her missing husband and his "made" side of the bed, is almost word for word from "Death Becomes Her." You must've unknowingly picked it up.
cailan
I drank at every vine. The last was like the first. I came upon no wine So wonderful as thirst. / I gnawed at every root. I ate of every plant. I came upon no fruit So wonderful as want. / Feed the grape and bean To the vintner and monger; I will lie down lean With my thirst and my hunger. ~Edna St. Vincent Millay |
cmoore0013
Unregistered User
(3/1/05 4:08 pm)
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Death Becomes Her
Actually, I did realzie that. I love that film and I decided to incorporate some moments from that film into this film in spots.
I actually found Death Becomes Her to be a modern fairy tale in many ways. It teaches morals and deals with evil, magic, and vanity.
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